Let's Talk About It - Queer Infighting/Social Expectations/Identity Obsession/Toxic Online Discourse
I'm not a writer. I'm not a blogger. I suck at being articulate, but this is really just to get this off my chest, as these thoughts haunt me as someone who has somewhat of an online presence.
Let's talk about it -
"Queer" Spaces - This has different meanings depending on where you are. Technically I hang out in those spaces by happenstance. Hyperpop/SceneCore/Emo is very Queer-Coded - meaning, a diverse group of people from different backgrounds, sexual orientations, gender identities.
The word also gets used for spaces that are not something I have any interest in, at least not anymore. A lot 'gender abolitionist' and super politically charged events use that word for organizing. I strongly support anyone who wants to defy social expectations; however I don't want to 'abolish' my femininity, I don't want to grow out armpit hair, be purposefully uncanny. It isn't my thing.
Social Expectations and biases -
I am often not open with who I am because of stereotypes that make me uncomfortable. "Programmer socks," "Blahajs," talking/acting mousey, perpetuating every Reddit-ism, haunts me. I've had the nagging feeling of fear that I'll get immediately typecasted with that. Suddenly the things that actually define me - dark alt aesthetic, music, won't matter, because they'll be outshined by these very loud stereotypes. So much in my heart of hearts wishes we lived in a world where I could just casually say "yes, this is who I am.. moving on," and that'd be the end of it. But we don't live in that world.
Infighting - Ugh. I've worked in LGBTQ nonprofits for over 7 years. And me expecting to just be able to help others while being socially accepted as who I was, was naive at best, delusional at best.
I was first greeted with lectures on "how to have safe sex with men." I wanted to vomit. Presumptuous, crass. I'm not an uptight person, but not only did it feel like "yeah, hi nice to meet you, thanks for lettting me know I'm safe here," but it felt like they whipped their dicks out.
I'd later come out and express that I'm attracted to women, I'm sapphic.
They gay men mocked me. The older lesbians told me that I "need to adjust my meds." The T community acted betrayed, creepy, misogynistic. I got sexually harassed by someone who was a crossdresser meth addict who was egged on by their therapist to try and get me to 'hang out with them outside of work.' I got in trouble for accidentally misgendering them.
I decorated my office space. I had Frankie from the Scottish show Lip Service, who I still have the hugest crush on. I had a patient ask me aggressively "is that a f*cking GG?!" (I'm assuming this meant genetic girl)? There was A LOT of that. So much obsession with body parts/chromosomes. It felt like the Twilight Zone. I thought I had escaped the rightwing gender essentialism. But this time, it was done "wokely."
There was a LONG period of where I got tired of all the sexual harassment, snark from people, and I cut my hair super short/wore a mohawk and frayed denim vests. "Lisbeth Salander" was my nickname for a good 5 years. I loathed my femininity. Feminine clothing - skirts, lace, false lashes, meant that I would have what I called 'dick worship culture,' assumed about me (mind you, this was night a slight against heterosexual or M4M culture, but I was so emotionally exhausted from all the assumptions about me). It was performative.
Current year - Embracing femininity feels like pushing against the grain of rightwing ideology (because I'm sapphic), and yet also pushing against the grain of maximalist-Leftist 'gender abolitionist culture.'
Sexual orientation - It really shouldn't be this complicated. In real life, it's MOSTLY easier to just feel comfortable in my skin. I've noticed something, people that I vibe with flirt, but it's always in a very demure, friendly way. Those that I'm going to talk about - act so predacious/entitled/creepy with me.
Let's address the elephant in the room - I fucking hate "T4T" bs.
A) It reads as othering, fetishization
B) It is creepy AF a lot of the time.
A lot of time, the people who feel they get rejected by "cis" (and I loathe having to use this word), people 'clock' those that they assume would be a 'safe' conquest. And when that person says "no/not interested," then it's more often than not a game to get "revenge for the betrayal of the community." This can be in the form of 'outing' to others in the room, nasty glances from across the room, purposefully lurking around. Behavior that reminds me of the way the creepy incel guys act.
My orientation really isn't that complicated. There are aesthetics that I find beautiful - a mix of femininity, confidence, a dark/melancholic demeanor, sense of humor, and aesthetic as in clothing. 99% of the time, people that I've dated or had a situationship with, were non-trans women. But there have been some trans women that really are indistinguishable from those women (and it's not about being androgynous at all), it's vibes, and not a big deal. But people make it be a huge deal.
Toxic online culture -
I was a Centrist/Classical Lib kind of person. Probably because I was seeking normalcy out of desperation. But I broke bread with another ilk that hates me. There's a double standard in these circles where (I'll name names Idgaf) Blaire White can yap all day about how she like men and they're like "oh, i get it, her bf is a straight dood," but if she were to like women, in come the moronic/outdated nonsense about Blanchardian Theory - she must be autogynephilic. Yeah, you either worship the dick, or you get turned on by your feminity. -Idiots.
Getting "turned on" is such a foreign concept to me to begin with. It's so porn-brained. Sure, toxic yuri makes me blush. Smooching in cute outfits/accessories gives me butterflies. But people who immediately think of genitals make me want to vomit. Naked people make me a laugh, because I think of crackheads who go streaking out in public, or those awkward art classes where someone has to paint or draw a nude model. Blanchard can eat the dick he's so obsessed with (alongside Epstein, but that's a different story).
Conclusion - A person like me has no role models. I have to be myself on a rudderless ship, lost at sea. I want to stream more, DJ more, but the fear of judgement has held me back so much. "What if they think I'm this form of stereotype? What if they'll no longer think I'm beautiful/cute like they would with anyone else? What if I attract an audience built around stereotypes that I do not align with?" It's always haunting me.
Part of me writing this was for a release and acknowledging the shadow weighing me down. People will "get" me, or they won't. I'm not going to change. I'm not going to stop having boundaries either.
I'm Kaede or Lynn. I'm an aspiring dark electronic DJ, alt gamer girlie, from Southern California. I've been through a lot, but it's shaped who I am today.